The beauty in the breakdown

I'm just letting go so I can breathe

(no subject)
I don't think anyone uses LJ anymore. Too bad.

Holy Shit! I'm posting something!
Well, it's been one hell of a fucking horrible year, and despite all of the shit that went down, I am very thankful that things weren't worse, which they always could be. HAH! That's just me trying to be positive. 2009 has been the worst year of my life, and for some reason, everyone in my life agrees that this year has been their worst year yet as well...including my dad who admitted this to me when I called him to wish him happy birthday last month. It was very sad to hear him say that. Sigh.

John is amazing. And his battle with cancer has brought us so much closer, which is awesome. He is my hero. He completed six months of chemo, and a big surgery where they took out a 4 inch section of his tibia, replaced it with cadaver bone, and then used a titanium rod and screws to hold it all together. His scar is the most impressive thing you have ever seen. The scar is the entire length of his lower leg, and a section of his knee. John started walking on his knew leg 2 weeks after surgery. How amazing is that?!?! The most awesome thing is that where his tumor was located means he won't need rehabilitation or anything. Just walking on it will give him his strength back, and the doctors don't think that he'll lose any function in his leg at all. He was so so lucky that he did not lose his leg.

I am very happy to not have to go to the hospital 8 million times in a week anymore, or have to worry about all of the complications from the chemo. There were many trips to the ER, and constant worry about everything that could happen. I learned more about cancer this year than I ever hoped to learn, and think that John is the most courageous person ever to keep going back to the hospital to start chemo again and again and again...and right when he was just starting to feel better. Ahhh, I just love him so much and am so proud of him. =)

So I am happy now that we can spend the rest of the year getting back to "normal." And just pray that the cancer never ever comes back. Ever.

A John update...
He has finished 3 rounds of chemotherapy, and ended up in the ER twice. Once with a low-grade fever and a White blood cell count of 1.6, and another for rapid bone marrow growth due to a neupogen shot that was given to him to help keep his WBC high. The first time we ended up in the ER, I had a cold so I couldnt see him very much. He stayed in the hospital for 3 days! When his count is that low, he has almost no immune system, which could really mess him up if he got sick. It sucked a lot! And his paranoid and idiotic mother would not let him come back to the apartment for 2 weeks!!!!!!! He could not come home until I was absolutely symptom free. You know how coughs tend to linger after a cold? Yeah, I wasnt contagious, but she wouldnt let him come home. Ugh. She still is clueless. I cant stand it, but I let it slide.

Since John is young, he tolerates the chemo well, but unfortunately is having a huge problem with nausea. We learned that its pretty normal. Since he is young, his sense of smell and taste are much greater, which makes the nausea a lot worse for him than say a 65 year old man going through the same thing. However, I am a bit shocked to hear the nurses tell John he should come in if he has any nausea. How could he not have nausea? I mean, he is taking like 4 different anti-nausea pills...including Marinol which is the synthetic pill form of marijuana, which is working great! But sometimes they dont work so well, and thats when they want John to come in. He is really tough though.

He had a PET scan the other day, and we learned that his tumor has shrunken in size by almost half of what is was, so that means the chemo is working. YAY! That also means that if he has anything microscopic in his lungs that is most likely gone.

Now for the hard part...Surgery.

His surgery will be on Tuesday, July 7th. That is exactly 3 months since we walked into the ER with cancer being the furthest thing from our minds. Its so crazy. The past 3 months feel like they have flown by, but at the same time it feels like it has been 3 years. Its so hard to explain.

I am so proud of John though. It feels really amazing to be in love with your hero. =)

I will rant about the psycho I work with who gets mad at me for doing by job...go figure...some other time.
Until then, I apologize for my keyboard. I spilled water on it and my backspace, apostrophe, and quotation mark buttons dont work. It is covered under warranty though, so it will be resolved...someday.

A John update...
He had blood taken yesterday, and his oncologist said his blood levels were "excellent."

He has had 1 round of chemo, which was 4 days of IV drips and injections. They hit him hard, and fast, and he's been pretty sick ever since. I thought he was having a good day a few days ago, but then I woke up at 5 in the morning to the sound of him vomiting in the bathroom.

The good news...before chemo he was relying on pain killers religiously to help his pain. He had gotten better about the length in between taking them. However, since he started chemo, he hasn't taken any pain pills. He doesn't have any pain, which is great. So, the chemo must be doing something good.

I am just praying now that the chemo shrinks John's tumor a huge amount so that the surgery won't have to be as nasty.

When he has surgery, there are 2 different options for him. Depending on tumor size, they will either carve out the tumor, re-fill his bone with cadaver bone, a metal plate for support and some screws.
Or...completely cut a section of his tibia out, replace it with cadaver bone, a metal rod the length of his tibia, a metal plate, and some screws.

I am hoping for the least invasive surgery. And the one with the fastest healing time.

I have been reading horror stories about peoples' limb sparing surgeries. The metal rod not being a correct fit, leaking cement, infections, YIKES! I just hope for a great surgeon, and a great surgery with no problems afterwards.

Now, this whole cancer thing is going to be a great lesson on how to live one day at a time. It's so easy to let me thoughts run away from me.

The part I am having a difficult time with is our apartment.
We are on the 2nd floor, and I am wondering how in the hell John is going to be able to get into our apartment after he has surgery, and when he is too weak from chemo to get up stairs on crutches. The options we have are, we can move into a ground floor apartment building, or he can stay at his mom's in San Jose.
So I am looking around on Craigslist for ground floor apartments in the city, and there are some...but there are still steps to get up to the "ground floor." My options are open.


I have a cold right now. So I left John at his mother's. So far John doesn't seem to be feeling ill, which is good. He is about to nadir, which is when his white blood cells drop and make him dangerously immunocompromised, so he is prone to everything, which could really get him sick. It kills me to have to be away from him, but I know it's what is best.

I just had to be sure you were talking to me.

Hi Chris?

Now I know why all these people make a big fuss about Hawaii and its greatness.

Sigh. I love it here.

We spent the day at the beach today, and I acted like an excited little school girl when I noticed a very pretty tropical fish...and then another, and another...and then noticed it was a GIANT school of fish. The water at the beach we went to today was a little murkey, and that disappointed me, but I have a feeling its because of the wave breakers they have set up out there to make it a more kid friendly beach.

Things I want to do before leaving...

A Honolulu city tour
An Oahu Island Tour
Pearl Harbor
Whale Watch (?) It might be just a tad early for that right now...and a tad too expensive for my budget.

John and I are off to Hawaii on the 1st. I so excited!

Don't you just hate that?!
John and I went downtown today. I felt like going to the Borders there, and not the one that is so close to our apartment. It's four stories, and just plain awesome.

Anyway, I stumbled across this little tiny book called "Don't you just hate that?"
And it's all about stupid little annoying things that everyone.

For instance, the author lists off a few things like...

1. Finding out that your childhood friend that was better than you at everything is STILL better than you at everything.

2. Getting a Q at the end of a scrabble game when all the U's and blank pieces are gone.

3. When someone asks, "What's up?" and you reply "I'm fine, thanks" because you assumed he'd ask "How are you?"

4. That Bacon will never be considered a vegetable.

...And my personal favorite...

The slow, insidious way that your love for something is sucked out of you when you do it for a living.

My peach yogurt strangely tastes like licorice.


I also really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I hate Wednesdays.


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