The beauty in the breakdown

I'm just letting go so I can breathe

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A John update...
He had blood taken yesterday, and his oncologist said his blood levels were "excellent."

He has had 1 round of chemo, which was 4 days of IV drips and injections. They hit him hard, and fast, and he's been pretty sick ever since. I thought he was having a good day a few days ago, but then I woke up at 5 in the morning to the sound of him vomiting in the bathroom.

The good news...before chemo he was relying on pain killers religiously to help his pain. He had gotten better about the length in between taking them. However, since he started chemo, he hasn't taken any pain pills. He doesn't have any pain, which is great. So, the chemo must be doing something good.

I am just praying now that the chemo shrinks John's tumor a huge amount so that the surgery won't have to be as nasty.

When he has surgery, there are 2 different options for him. Depending on tumor size, they will either carve out the tumor, re-fill his bone with cadaver bone, a metal plate for support and some screws.
Or...completely cut a section of his tibia out, replace it with cadaver bone, a metal rod the length of his tibia, a metal plate, and some screws.

I am hoping for the least invasive surgery. And the one with the fastest healing time.

I have been reading horror stories about peoples' limb sparing surgeries. The metal rod not being a correct fit, leaking cement, infections, YIKES! I just hope for a great surgeon, and a great surgery with no problems afterwards.

Now, this whole cancer thing is going to be a great lesson on how to live one day at a time. It's so easy to let me thoughts run away from me.

The part I am having a difficult time with is our apartment.
We are on the 2nd floor, and I am wondering how in the hell John is going to be able to get into our apartment after he has surgery, and when he is too weak from chemo to get up stairs on crutches. The options we have are, we can move into a ground floor apartment building, or he can stay at his mom's in San Jose.
So I am looking around on Craigslist for ground floor apartments in the city, and there are some...but there are still steps to get up to the "ground floor." My options are open.


I have a cold right now. So I left John at his mother's. So far John doesn't seem to be feeling ill, which is good. He is about to nadir, which is when his white blood cells drop and make him dangerously immunocompromised, so he is prone to everything, which could really get him sick. It kills me to have to be away from him, but I know it's what is best.


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